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Job
Search Humor to help you avoid taking it too seriously...
Job search
got you down? To help lighten your mood, below are amusing
(accidental, in most cases) comments that were actually written
by job applicants during their searches for employment.
In
a cover letter:
"Here
are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Please
call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."
"My
goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I
demand a salary commiserate with my expensive experience."
In
a resume:
"I
was working for my Mom until she decided to move."
"Marital
status: Single, Unmarried, Unengaged, Uninvolved, No Commitments."
"Note:
Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I
have never quit a job."
"Marital
status: often. Children: various."
"Reason
for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under
those conditions."
Assorted
tidbits people put under a "Personal" heading
(almost never a good idea, by the way):
"Donating
blood - 14 gallons so far."
One
job applicant had a heading called "Pet Peeves"
which included such things as
"lazy workers, know-it-alls, spicy foods, etc."
Small
typos can change the meaning:
"Education:
College, August 1880-May 1984"
"Develop
and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm
a rabid typist."
"Instrumental
in ruining an entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
"As
indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Received
a plaque for Salesperson of the Year."
From
performance evaluations:
"Since
my last report this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig."
"I
would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works
well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
"This
young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"This
employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
How
to Respond to Those Dreaded "Rejection" Letters:
Dear
Mr. Kennelly:
Thank
you for your letter of April 17, which I must return. After
careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable
to accept your written refusal to offer my employment with
your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate
in receiving several rejection letters, and it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals. (Priority will be given to
those hiring managers who are so kind as to call with the
bad news).
Despite
your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does
not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate
employment with your firm again in the near future.
Best
of luck in rejecting future candidates.
There...
feel better?
Keep in mind that we can help you with all materials relevant
to your job search, from cover letters to follow-up correspondence,
leave-behinds, reference lists, and (hurray!) acceptance letters.
So contact
us- we can help you say it the way you mean it!
Key
to Job Description Terms
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You'll be making under minimum wage an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL
POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You'll be making under minimum wage an hour; we'll be bankrupt
in a year.
AN UP-AND
COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no way in hell
we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING
PLAN
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a
profit.
COMPETITIVE
SALARY
We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR
FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself
to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY
RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't
done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE
OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.
SALES
POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base
salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won't answer questions.
WE OFFER
GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible
and a co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT
BENEFITS
After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k)
and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING
ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our
internship-level salaries.
CASUAL
WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress well; a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE
ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING
AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and
their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR
DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK
ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE
WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE
DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC
RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME
REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY
RANGE K-K
We'll offer you K to start.
A HIGHLY
VISIBLE POSITION
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE
HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES
WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE
EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE
AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE
DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless
like Philosophy, English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY
IN PERSON
If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has
been filled.
NO PHONE
CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
SEEKING
CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING
SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES
TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION
SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.
ABILITY
TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS
FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.
INSPIRATION:
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